Here I am, standing in the shower, staring at my own reflection in the glass. It’s 4 PM, and I have this craving to wrap myself in warmth. Perhaps it’s because I just got my period, or maybe because I am not feeling fit. But I have chosen to take care of myself, because that is what I do. I carry myself.
I look myself in the eyes and keep gazing. I see a longing there: to be held, to be embraced, to be carried.
The power of autonomy
Throughout my life I have carried myself emotionally, physically, and energetically. Perhaps it’s linked to “middle child syndrome” or the fact that my personality is driven by a strong sense of autonomy.
I am proud of myself. Proud of the fact that I can tap into my being and provide whatever is needed. Truly, I am. That sense of internal trust, the confidence that I am capable of offering myself the care and love I need is liberating. It feels like a vital part of the journey I’m on, where I shift the intention behind why I carry myself. It moves from a mindset radiating autonomy to one driven by love for myself.
And yet, as the hot water rushes down my body, I find myself staring into my blue eyes longing for a warm, steady embrace to lean into.
What’s your love language?
You know the question you ask your friends and partners? “What’s your love language?”. For years, mine has been acts of service. But recently, I’ve come to realize that physical touch, or words of affection, also resonate with me. The language can take many forms. Ultimately, it comes down to one thing: the other person knowing what I need and acting on it. By doing this, it feels like they are offering to carry a part of me when needed. By providing a foundation on which I can lean physically, emotionally, and energetically, just as I offer one for them.
In the past, the people I have felt most drawn to, whether friends or partners, have been those with a strong sense of self. Their groundedness allowed them to grow strong roots, have a stable base, and project a calm presence. The moment I would enter their space, I could feel my body exhale. My muscles would relax, and my energy would settle. When this happened, the realization that someone is offering to hold me for a while sometimes brought tears to my eyes. They would then smile or start fussing, asking me what’s wrong. ‘Nothing’, I would say. Everything is absolutely perfect.
My inner paradox: longing connection and letting myself soften
When it comes to partners, this topic has been a challenge. My longing for that raw connection with someone, a connection where there’s balance and knowing, lives so vivid within me. I have noticed how its intensity has, unconsciously, overwhelmed my exes. And this brings me to my inner paradox: I am aware of my longing, yet I know it is mine to soften. It’s not a partner’s responsibility to fulfill this need, so I hold back, fearing I may be too much because I haven’t yet developed the softness to navigate my own longings.
Patience in love
The perspective, however, is that although I long for this deep connection, I also know that the right person will cross my path at the right time whether it’s a week, a month, a year, or even ten years from now. I have the inner knowing as well as the excitement, for everything I will discover until then.
As I step out of the shower, the steam still clinging to the air, I wrap myself in a soft towel and breathe. A smile tugs at my lips because today, I have discovered something new about myself.
